The Self and the Coach Were Sitting in the Garden
The Self and the Coach Were Sitting in the Garden
Mindfulness Myth #1: Mastering Our Minds Between Self- and Facts-Denial
The Self and the Coach were sitting by the apple tree in the garden. From a distance, they might have looked like two branches growing out of the trunk of the tree, one on each side, almost symmetrically.
The Self was wrought up in confession, hands busy in the air, while the Coach was quietly sipping at a glass of apple cider.
“All these thoughts I have. They keep me awake at night, no matter how hard I try I can’t stop them from reeling through my head. I mean, for good reason, life’s pretty tough right now. But then other thoughts tell me, hey, you need to get some rest, or else you’ll be drained tomorrow, and next week you might fall ill if you carry on like that. And yes, I know, I tell them, you’re right, but what can I do if there are these troubles? And then the grim picture is upon me again, and I remember even more of what’s likely to go wrong soon, things I’d lost sight of and which are now becoming so clear and imminent that I feel like screaming in the night.”
The Coach gazed at a bird flying off from the grass nearby, and said,
“All these thoughts you have. Which do you want to keep?”
“Which do I want to keep? Surely this is not up to me. Should I dismiss reality and just ignore it? I have these thoughts because of the things that are going on out there in real life. It’s facts that cause all these worries, and I can’t make them go away by deciding not to think about them.”
“Maybe”, replied the coach and took another sip. “This is your garden, right?”, he asked, turning his head to face the Self.
“Yes, of course”, replied the Self intrigued.
“Take a good look around your garden”, said the Coach. “Which of these things are here because you put them into the ground and watered and cared for, so they can grow?”
The Self kept quiet for a moment, not knowing what all that meant.
“Everything”, he said.
“Well, maybe not everything, right? I can see some thistles and dandelions over there in that corner.”
“Oh, right, fine, yes, some weeds too. So what?”
“Things out there, as you call them, in this case mostly the wind and other weeds by the river, caused these thistles and dandelions to pop out of the earth in your flowerbeds. Still, right now it seems to me that they are growing and spreading, and that’s not because of the wind carrying seeds over from who knows where, but because these plants have acquired a life of their own. Are you letting them grow on, or are you doing anything about them?”
“I don’t get it, Coach. What’s the meaning of all this?”
“The worries and fears and all that film reeling on in your mind: while it is true that they were caused by real things out there, the way they tangle up and spiral in your mind is a sign that they’ve acquired a life for themselves. I’m not asking you to stop noticing them coming out. Keep that observation. The concern may well be justified and you’d be a fool to dismiss the facts. But think: are those thistles spreading because of the wind, or because you’re giving them the space? Which of them are you willing to let grow, water, and care for?”
“Strange”, whispered the Self with a sigh. He took a sip of his own glass of cider, gazing at an invisible point in the grass.
“Okay, so my worries may well be caused by something out there, but if they start giving me sleepless nights, this is for me to correct. I get it. So you mean if I keep such thoughts under control, this doesn’t mean I’m deluding myself or denying the facts, but I’m only regulating my reactions so I can keep a clear head and act the best possible way.’
‘But then all that public wisdom telling you control your mind, don’t let yourself overcome by this or that — how about the opposite maxims? — don’t try to deny your thoughts, your nature, accept who you are, accept your fears, listen to your true voice. What am I to do with this, how can I choose which maxim applies? Maybe that’s what I am, a worrier, a sensitive guy, someone who analyses everything thoroughly. Should I turn into somebody I’m not, is it all about optimizing ourselves like machines?”
“You’re asking two distinct things here. You want to know what to do with maxims? Put them in a frame if you like, and hang them in the house. Not much more.’
‘The question is not how to choose the right maxim. Rather, how to find out what makes sense for you in each particular situation.’
‘The other thing you’re asking is aren’t I denying my true nature if I attempt to control my mind? I’m asking you again to take a look around at this garden. Is this garden yours?”
“Yes, of course, why are you asking?”
“Did you let whatever plants grow by themselves, or did you choose them, plant them, care for them? What makes it yours?’
‘Being yourself involves modelling. It means planning, selection, but also maintenance of a design. Otherwise, your garden turns into an unrecognizable plot of rank bushes. Of course, it’s best to let those plants grow which belong in this climate, in this soil. Accepting yourself means choosing a design that is in harmony with your true nature — but any design will need that constant weeding.”
The Self pondered.
“What would I be without you!” sighed the Self. “A lost self without its coach!”
“What would I be without you!”, replied the Coach smiling. “A stray coach without its self!”
The Self and the Coach carried on sitting in the garden, like two branches of the same tree.
One part of us engages with the outside world. The other, with ourselves. It aims to mobilise our resources, spare our strengths, and regulate our reactions. Self-regulation isn’t self-denial. We are just as much ourselves for accepting our Self as for acknowledging our inner Coach. If we are to accept who we are, we need to accept our self-regulating mechanisms too.
I wrote recently about simplistic interpretations of notions or maxims related to mindfulness, which lead not just to disappointment when trying them out in real life, but also to opposition and sarcasm on the part of the “no-nonsense” guys. I’m talking about things like positive thinking, letting go, or manifesting.
You can check it out here:
This is the first post in a short series where I’m explaining how I understand a particular teaching in a way that should not cause disappointment or delusion. It also happens to be related to another piece I wrote recently, about overthinking.
It felt natural to pick up that thread and write about a first mindfulness myth: controlling our minds means we should ignore facts, or twist our natures.
I first published it in Promptly Written, on Medium.
And you?
When people advise you to keep yourself / your mind under control, what do you think they mean? How do you understand you need to act?
How do you decide which thoughts to keep and let grow, and which to hold in check?
But more importantly, how do you hold them in check? How do you get them “back under control”? Is it a knee-jerk reaction, or do you take time to reflect?
Do you think your thoughts are who you are?
I know that telling a parable is easier than trying to apply what it aims to convey. My story may be clear as a story, but does it also unlock any doors?