Shut Up So You Can Say It Better
The said and the unsaid work best together
They teach us how to articulate our message effectively: be clear, be concise, check your grammar, select the best synonym, use rhetorical structures – but who teaches us what not to say, in order to say it effectively?
Here’s a real story, but bear in mind I’ll have to leave a lot unsaid.
Let’s say we’re in a computer game. My team creates contests, games, and badges for players at each level. Players are guided by mentors. At premium level, the mentors, called Fellows, help players get a final badge, which entitles them to advance to the level of Masters. At Masters’ level, the players are on their own.
I’m Chief of Masters Relations on the premium level. As an ambassador, I wave to Masters saying hello we’re here, and if I’m lucky, they ask me over for coffee. Then, I tell the Fellows what the Masters are like, and what tastes they have, so Fellows can mentor the players better.
There are many teams like us on each level. We’re team Magenta+. We take particular pride in the plus, because it means we actually cover the full spectrum, not just one colour. Other teams are Fuchsia, Teal, Burgundy red, you name it.
Also, Black-and-White – which is the officially acknowledged “full-spectrum”, non-colour team, and have been so before we added the plus to our Magenta.
Our Fellows are spread across a vast map, split into little earldoms. Some four months ago, we held a great ball with Fellows from a number of territories. A lady Fellow from Fantasialand approached me and started telling me how things are going. Fantasialand is relatively new on our map, so there are bound to be glitches.
“Unfortunately, Masters in Fantasialand only talk about Black-and-White, no word about Magenta+.”
“Yes, I can imagine, Black-and-White’s been there for so long.”
Solidarity is nice. She’s nice. Fellow Xena.
“But you know, in their books, the Masters only talk about colour badges, and under full spectrum, they only mention Black-and-White, which is a pity, because Magenta+ is also full spectrum, but we never get mentioned.”
Yeah, I know. This is not only in Fantasialand. But that’s not really a problem. The Masters are always happy to let our players in.
“Well, we can write to the Masters in Fantasialand and say hello, we’re here, can we have your preferences about Magenta+ badges, so we can publish them for our players?”
“Oh, yes, that would be very helpful. And maybe also contact the Ministry of Masterful Relations to ask them for their position, too?”
“Yes, we can try that, too.”
We’re both happy. Nice chat, sunny smiles, vivid eyes, go team Magenta+.
Two weeks later, we have a one-on-one online call, to go deeper on our chat at the ball.
“You see, the Masters here in Fantasialand don’t know Magenta+ badges. On their websites, they classify badges into coloured or full spectrum, and by full spectrum they only mean Black-and-White.”
Yes, good to hear that again. Anything else?
“And when you enquire on the phone, they tell us about Magenta, but not about Magenta+. If you ask how about Magenta+, they say, what’s that?”
Oh oh.
I don’t like them drawing attention to the distinction. Masters take our Magenta+ for Magenta, and it’s good so.
Don’t say: We’re better off listed as a colour badge, because Masters take colours.
Black-and-White is the exception.
There are rules on how to classify badges; in fact,
there’s a whole game about badges and their features,
and we can’t change it.
But we don’t want to tell Fellows that we might be vulnerable.“Well, we need to remember Fantasialand Masters are not so familiar with the many badges available. That’s what happens in other earldoms, too, at the beginning. It’s normal. That’s why we want to approach them, right, introduce ourselves?”
Don’t say: relax, Fellow Xena, things aren’t so grim as you think.“And then, for the Masters our badge counts, after all, as coloured. It’s magenta, right? Let’s not confuse them with these distinctions and have to explain what the plus stands for. Why the trouble?”
Don’t say: I must message the Masters to wave hello
before these eager people nail them with their questions.
Another three weeks later:
Hi Zoe, there are other Fellows around here who are concerned about the Masters in Fantasialand. Nobody knows about Magenta+. We should tell them that we’re magenta with a plus, and they should mention us together with Black-and-White. Would there be any disadvantages you think?
Don’t say: Hello? I explained the disadvantage.
And now there are more Fellows concerned? Gosh.Thanks for letting me know. As long as the Masters are happy with our badges, it’s best to keep the classification as it is. If any of you run into difficulties with a Master, let me know and I’ll talk to them.
Zoe, we seem to be looking at the problem from different standpoints. What can be done about this situation?? For each of us to contact you every time is not an effective way of solving the problem in Fantasialand.
Don’t say: Excuse me, solving what problem in Fantasialand?
You sure I’m the one who doesn’t get it?
And what can be done? I thought we’d agreed six weeks ago:
I’d wave hello to the Masters,
and ring the bell at the Ministry of Masterful Relations.
You mean I’m not doing my job right?No more solidarity and sunny smiles, it seems.
Maybe I’ve been relying on solidarity and omitted to be clear. Let me be clear now.
Thanks for your feedback, Fellow Xena. I think we’re not really on different sides of the problem.
Don’t say: I certainly see your angle, it seems you can’t see ours.We did agree what can be done. Please bear in mind that our players are facing no objective hindrance advancing to the Masters level, but again, in case of any trouble, contact me.
Don’t say: and I insist you do so.
Don’t want to let you on your own, panicking and getting pushy.No response, but then it’s Christmas, and actually what response can there be? My message was short and clear.
Mid-January the colleague that cheers the Fellows in Fantasialand writes:
Fellow Xena is planning to write a petition about the fact that we’re not proactive enough in our relations with the Masters.
She’s gotta be kidding.
Let’s have a virtual call, all of us: Xena, the “other Fellows who are concerned”, my colleague, and our line manager. Let’s hear what the issue really is. Maybe I’ve been missing something in the thousand-word emails she wrote.
The Masters don’t know Magenta+.
The only full-spectrum badge for them is Black-and-White.
We must get them to write about us, too.
Don’t say: Are we getting heated about a classification?Apparently we are.
We are full spectrum in our range of activities and contests we offer our players regardless of colour, but the only badge that’s officially full spectrum is, after all, Black-and-White.
If they understand that the Masters use “full-spectrum” in a narrower sense, they’ll drop the case.
Besides, all Masters elsewhere do the same. There’s nothing wrong in Fantasialand.
Don’t say: Do they want to change the game? Cool down, guys.Let’s not tempt Masters to come up with new rules for our plus.
Don’t say: Let’s not tempt them to think
we’re not actually purely colour based, but
something doubtful in between.
And stop teasing that sore for god’s sake!Everyone’s happy and laughing at the end. We’ve done all the crying on the shoulder and the hand holding. They want to write their own letter to the Ministry of Masterful Relations, but will kindly share the draft with us first. Good, see you next time, take care, thank you, goodbye!
One week later, the draft letter is here. What do you think it says?
The Masters do not know Magenta+.
Magenta+ should be listed together with Black-and-White as a full-spectrum badge.
The Masters cannot give the right information in phone enquiries.
Your Highness, do make sure Fantasialand knows about Magenta+, and give your Masters a good scolding! (that’s what a Minister is for)
I see black reading it. Or red. (Or magenta.)
Don’t say: Is this what we spent two hours in an online call for?
And they want to take this rubbish to the Ministry?
Just how much more embarrassment can we get than this?Dozens of emails start buzzing among us, team coordinators, up to the senior ranks. Meetings. Answers being drafted. Feedback requested. Further dozens of emails.
All for a classification, and for the Masters allegedly not being competent on the phone.
We regret to let you know that we do not support your approach. The classification as coloured is correct, and any attempt to claim the opposite is potentially damaging to our credibility. We will come back with a more detailed position.
Three days later:
Zoe, but Magenta+ proclaims its being full-spectrum in all user guides, how do you mean the classification is correct?
Don’t say: I did explain what full-spectrum means, dummy!Is Fellow Xena about to challenge us for being untruthful in our instructions? Why is this getting grimmer and grimmer?
You don’t seem to understand how pressing this issue is.
Don’t say: Pressing? A classification?
And I’m the one who doesn’t understand here?The polemic has spiralled and now seems to have become more important than its goal.
I need to draft the explanations.
I cannot say they are ignorant, but they are.
I also cannot say that they are hysterical. That this is a storm in a teacup, and a reality check would be welcome.
But I guess a lot of my need to say things clearly and wake them up is still going into the letter.
I hand it over to my mentor, and he takes the trouble to re-write it.
And this is the point where my learning becomes conscious: seeing what he has left out.
In his version, there is no teaching. No setting straight. No implied wake up! or we discussed that numberless times!
In his version, we distance ourselves from their approach by putting our positive values first. FromThe Masters are not our enemy, to The Masters are our partners, so we do not seek to put pressure on them.
I thought I had left out quite a lot. And I did.
But there was still so much more to leave out, it seems.
It’s not about hypocrisy here. It’s about reflecting on why we say something. Is it to make our point clear?
Or is it to get a specific outcome?
Ideally, the two would be connected. But a question remains: what part of that point is helpful in getting the outcome we want?
The point always comes in a package. The shell of impatience, frustration, stupefaction, sensitive information we want to withhold – or, on the other side, the impression that the other won’t get it, that it would be nice to get attention and be a hero kicking doors open, not just a little Fellow Xena in a tiny corner of an earldom.
I have had to leave so many things unsaid in this story, that I broke down to tears on Friday close of business, when our official response was finally sent out. But it was better than saying aloud what I was thinking.
Don’t be fooled: the lesson’s not over. I’m still learning, and still far from mastering it. It’s been coming a long way in my life.
Started from saying nothing as an introverted kid, then went over to saying everything crystal clear (oh, am I good at being clear, I can tell you!), and now, I must learn to be clear by leaving things unsaid.
Ain't this the truth:
Zoe, we seem to be looking at the problem from different standpoints. AND THEN
No more solidarity and sunny smiles, it seems. AND FINALLY
What part of that point is helpful in getting the outcome we want?
Zoe, you have been very creative in telling a story that mimics life. Well done!